System resetting…

I want you all to know that I don’t take the opportunity to write for Rock M for granted.

I’ve been at the site for almost 10 years now, and the chance to write this specific column has been something of a creative lifeline. I really love watching and writing about Mizzou Football, but I’m not nearly the most football-fluent person on the staff. So getting to fuse my culture vulture tendencies with the inherent silliness of the sport has been a blessing. Thanks to all of you who read.

I’d also like to offer a warning, as if the overly sincere introduction to this column wasn’t already a clue: This week’s Revue is one joke. And it’s one joke only. I’ve always thought of this column as a labor of love. But it’s labor nonetheless, labor I don’t get paid a lot for. So when Mizzou doesn’t take the time to show up for their side of the deal… well, you get what you’re about to read.

If you make it through this whole thing, send me a message on Rock M+ or an email and I’ll send you a personalized thank you message.

The Revue

I have to be transparent here… the clip I want to show is “The Cup Test” from Jackass Forever, but I’m not sure it’s site-appropriate, so I’m just going to link it and let you decide whether or not you want to jump in. Just know that was really what the experience of watching Mizzou vs. Texas A&M felt like from a cinematic perspective.

But this is a nice backup option to have. While a bit lighter-hearted in tone, please enjoy the soothing sounds of Peter Gabriel’s “Solsbury Hill,” playing over a compilation of folks getting absolutely pulverized, sometimes in slow motion.

☆☆☆☆☆ for the whatever it was in College Station , ★★★★★ for both “The Cup Test” and this compilation, which were refreshing palette cleansers after that atrocity of a game.

Watchability Meter

Look, here’s the thing, you don’t need me to tell you that Mizzou’s performance against the Aggies was nigh unwatchable. It sucked. Even worse than the near-loss against Vanderbilt, even worse than the 9-6 win over UConn years ago, even worse than getting shut out against a good team when Mizzou was floundering… getting your nose broken on national television as a Top 10 team was the worst kind of pain you can experience as a college football fan.

So why not engage with something eminently more watchable, like Yannic Bertrand getting merked by a gate in a world cup slalom skiing race while the color commentator laughs?

This video gets 5 out of 5 slalom gates for being objectively funny. Alternately, Mizzou vs. Texas A&M gets 5 out of 5 slalom gates for being objectively painful.

Disrespectful Play Index

You think I’m going to stop the bit on the part of this column that takes the most effort and time? Fat chance, buddy.

Instead, enjoy “Man Getting Hit By Football,” one of Hans Moleman Production’s finest hours.

This play was 100 percent disrespectful to Hans Moleman, and also Missouri’s game was 100 percent disrespectful to me, personally.

Superlatives and Awards

Best Prospective NIL Deal

Do think the guys behind early internet viral sensation “Kicked in the Nuts” would be willing to revive the series for a guest appearance with Luke Bauer? He deserves it, after all.

Not sure how lucrative that would be for our guy, but can you imagine watching Bauer drop kick a kU fan in the middle of a pick up basketball fan?

The Tim Robinson Award for Best “I Think You Should Leave” Moment

OK, this is the one part of the column that I can’t abandon.

Meh, “can’t”, “won’t” same difference.

Anyway, the comical nature of Mizzou’s failing to show up has fully set in after 48 hours of rumination, and it reminds of a I Think You Should Leave sketch in which the premise of a high quality performance is immediately abandoned for something far more sad and somewhat sinister.

“I CAN’T DO THIS, WE DID WAY TOO MUCH.”

“What’s that do for the greater good?”

“I don’t even wanna be around anymore.”

All things I was saying out loud during the entirety of this game!