Do you know what doctors put in Brady Cook’s ankle? Neither do we, but it’s gotta be the good stuff.

Not sure about y’all, but I’m still feeling ridiculously amped up from Saturday’s Homecoming win. “Bad” opponent? Don’t care. Flawed performance? Don’t care. A win is a win is a win is a win and I won’t ever apologize for embarrassing Hugh Freeze.

Everyone has a type of music that hypes them up. Some people love hard rock. Some people love metal. Some people love G-funk. Some people love trap.

Me personally? I’m into whatever The Lonely Island are doing on their 2019 musical comedy special, The Unauthorized Bash Brothers Experience.

I will never get tired of Andy Samberg, Jorma Taccone and Akiva Schaffer. How three aggressively white middle-aged men can channel such melodic pathos and absurdist humor in everything they touch is ridiculous. It’s unfair. They should be studied.

Anyway, we’re doing another bit today. Strap in.

The Revue

LET’S BASH

When The Lonely Island dropped The Unauthorized Bash Brothers Experience in 2019, I was expecting a collection of short, SNL-style digital sketches all centered in the semi-fictional universe of late 1980s Oakland Athletics baseball. That’s kind of what it is, but it’s also not what it is at all.

Bash Brothers is a treatise on masculine insecurity in Ronald Reagan’s America, a crass, irreverent commentary on spectacle as a facade for interior decay. If you haven’t seen it… I’m still not sure I can recommend it, that is unless you find jokes about steroids, niche baseball references and silk robes entertaining. But even if you don’t watch the special, I have to insist that you at least give the album a try. It’s 25 minutes of the funniest, hardest white boy rapping I’ve ever heard.

But the music isn’t why I’m writing about this comedy special for this week’s Revue. I’m bringing this one out of the ether because of the almost gluttonous amount of references to steroids, needles and miracle-working chemicals that were all swimming through my head when I watched Brady Cook lead a chemically-induced comeback for Mizzou’s 113th Homecoming.

A few tasters… from “Uniform On:”

Lift that tire, b****

Put your back in it and lift it higher, b****

Stab that needle in my ass ‘til I am rich

Make me a god with the chemical sciences

From “Jose & Mark:”

Go, José, go, oiled up like Rambo

Take the needle out my butt and hop in the Lambo

The anabolics got me feelin’ bionic

‘Cause you know I’m know I’m indestructible

And from album closer “Daddy:”

Buy all my steroids in bulk (Costco)

Want to get big as The Hulk (Hogan)

Stronger than Wolverine teeth (Logan)

Answer to ‘Where’s the beef?’ (Slogan)

Do you think Brady Cook felt this powerful when he emerged from the locker room?

“BY THE POWER OF GREY SKULL”

Because I did!

I get that this is something of a one-note revue, but the connection was so powerful in my mind, y’all. I haven’t felt this strong of a correspondence between game and media since the initial Revue — that infamous Wild Wild West comparison to the Wyoming lost. And with Mizzou moving to 6-1 after yet another unconvincing performance, I feel that we must lean into a madcap sense of humor that The Lonely Island would champion.

★★★★☆ for the win over Auburn, ★★★★★ for The Unauthorized Bash Brothers Experience, one of the great comedy films of the streaming era

Watchability Meter

Continuing on the theme of, “what’s in that needle, again?”

I’m not sure what it is that MU Health Care put into Brady Cook’s ankle, but his injury and improbable return had me thinking. Do you ever wonder what it would be like to bust your ankle in pre-human days? Like when a Cro-Magnon twisted his ankle chasing a Paleolithic Wild Boar? That was pretty much just a death sentence, right? No getting up and dusting it off. No alternating heat and cold treatments to protect the structure of the ligaments. Just the sweet release of death as you cry out in pain and another predator immediately jumps you and your busted ankle.

Modern science is a miracle. We can take on diseases that have been wiping species off the map for generations and reduce them to a mild inconvenience. We can repair someone’s elbow ligament by pulling something out of his hamstring. We can repair Brady Cook’s collapsed lower leg with all the time that it takes to make a Sunday roast.

All of this is obviously beside the point of this section, which is the watchability of the game. But I almost find that element secondary to the marvel of whatever it is they shot up into Brady Cook’s bloodstream. It can’t be natural, and it can’t be good for his long-term health. But it allowed him to walk onto Faurot Field after having gone to the gotdang hospital and throw missiles all over Auburn’s shell-shocked secondary. That’s watchable in and of itself, even if the stress it took to get there wasn’t.

So, for a heart-pounding, chemically-induced thrill ride courtesy of Brady Cook’s ankle and the providers at MU Health Care, I’ll give Mizzou’s comeback over Auburn five out of five Toradol shots

PUT IT IN MY VEINS

Disrespectful Play Index

We have to give Luther Burden III the week off of his usual DPI perch. Partially because he had something of a quiet day, but mostly because only one person deserves this spot. You know exactly who it is. I don’t even need to mention him.

There wasn’t any one specific play that I thought would blow the scale of the DPI, but I do think one play in particular speaks to the level of confidence Cook, Kirby Moore and the rest of the team played with after Cook’s return. So we’re going to highlight it and see where we come out.

As a reminder, here’s our grading scale:

Category 1: How difficult/impressive was the play? (0-20)

Category 2: How hard did the defense try? (0-20)

Category 3: How much did his teammates help? (0-5)

Category 4: What did the player do immediately afterward? (0-20)

Category 5: How did everyone not involved react? (0-15)

Category 6: Is there a backstory/context to consider? (0-20)

And here’s our play in question:

Category 1: How difficult/impressive was the play?

There are a few ways to look at the answer to this question. In a vacuum, this play is already easy to pull off if you sell it. The lack of difficulty is also compounded by the fact that Mizzou runs it all the f****** time. Seriously, I knew what play was coming as soon as they lined up. I would’ve put a decent chunk of change on it. And in case you haven’t watched the clip above, let’s play a little game. Here’s a screen cap of how Mizzou’s offense lined up:

Obvious play call is obvious

Now if you saw this, along with the contextual information of the score and the 2-point attempt, what would you think the Tigers were going to run? Seriously, this might be the only play they have on tape for this scenario.

That being said, there’s no guarantee this play comes off. Auburn’s defensive front gave Mizzou fits all day, so the offensive line really needed to generate some good push on this play. They did — special props to Cayden Green, who I’ll mention again shortly — and Cook was able to run behind his tacklers and avoid the Auburn defenders who weren’t left behind by the obvious fake pitch to Burden.

Getting bulldozed by Cayden Green must be a harrowing experience

14/20

Category 2: How hard did the defense try?

Is biting on the obvious fake an example of Auburn trying really hard or them foolishly not realizing what was about to happen? Both maybe? I’ll say both.

My friend Sylvester Smith out there had no chance

At least two or three defenders bite on the fake, but none more crucially than Eugene Asante, who is unable to recover in time to clog up the lane Brady Cook runs into. If you watch Asante closely, he definitely would’ve been the body that stopped Cook’s successful conversion. So I’m going to give them a high score for selling out to stop Burden… even if it meant they clearly slacked on their film homework. 17/20

Category 3: How much did his teammates help?

Major ups to Cayden Green here. He’s had an uneven start to life at Mizzou — mostly good, I’d say — but the way he pulls inside here and bulldozes the lane for Brady Cook is marvelous. By the time Cook gets touched, he’s already basically in the end zone. Not great for the score, but wonderful for my confidence in the rest of the season! 2/5

Category 4: What did the player do immediately afterward?

I’ve been on record as not being a fan of Brady Cook’s celebrations in the past. That has less to do than the quality of the cellys — though he certainly needed some work on his whisking technique at one point — and more the lack of creativity. Brady Cook is a guy that carries a lot of swagger, and I’d like to see him get a little more flashy with it. I suppose the adrenaline from whatever unholy cocktail they put in his ankle got to him, because he broke out a little something different this time.

Look at Jamal, he’s already whisking!

Cook starts by spinning the ball, as many players before him have done. But then he does this pseudo-magical circular arm motion, almost as if he’s conjuring the energy Mizzou would need to get this victory over the line.

The haters! They’re starving!

Or maybe he’s manifesting more healing power to himself. Not sure. Either way, it was new and I liked it. 15/20

Category 5: How did everyone not involved react?

I’m a much bigger fan of the “Let him Cook!” celebration when Brady’s teammates are doing it around him. Jamal Roberts committed early, while Armand Membou lumbers into frame late with his own big-man version of the cooking celebration. Heart-warming! Charming! Inedible! 14/15

Category 6: Is there a backstory/context to consider?

Come on, now. It’s the whole story of the game! Brady Cook makes the miraculous return to lead Mizzou to victory? The Connor Shaw Special? The reverse South Carolina? 20/20

Brady Cook’s successful fake-pitch-two-point-conversion was 82 percent disrespectful to Auburn, Hugh Freeze and the Toomer’s Corner oak trees.

Superlatives and Awards

Best Prospective NIL Deal

Forget Sugarfire. Forget Imo’s. The National Department of Health and Human Services needs Brady Cook to endorse whatever medicine it is they shot him up with.

“Hi I’m Brady Cook, Mizzou Football starting quarterback. Have you ever been in a bad accident at work? In your car? Working around the house? Try [censored medicine] for fast-acting relief, a mild sense of euphoria, and the temporary power of the Grecian Titans.”

The Tim Robinson Award for Best “I Think You Should Leave” Moment

I’m actually very grateful for this week’s game — lower quality, high-octane twist — because it matches up with one of the deep cut I Think You Should Leave Sketches that I think gets under-appreciated: “Big Wave” from Season 2, Episode 6.

I almost never think about “Big Wave.” The conceit strains credulity even for an ITYSL sketch — be honest, have you ever been in a meeting like this when your co-workers start all acting like six-year-olds? It’s kind of a snoozer. That it is until Tim Robinson utters five words which I think about maybe not on a daily basis, but at least once or twice a week…

“HERE COMES A BIG WAVE!”

The way he throws the table, and his co-worker as a result, is how I imagine Auburn must’ve felt when Brady Cook hit Mookie Cooper for that 78-yard pass. You’re cruising along, nice and easy, getting ready to make some waves in your mediocre season when BAM a big white boy barrels into the picture to mess up your shit.

“Someone always gets hurt,” Robinson mutters near the end of the sketch. This time, it was Hugh Freeze’s pride. But let’s be honest, that was already in the gutter to begin with.